HUMOR

My write-in campaign, "Me for President," has failed. Of course I wasn't on the ballot, only thought of it in the voting booth and didn't have a pen. Still, you'd thinksomebody would have felt the aura of grooviness from my old hippie self. Or maybe I just forgot to use deoderant.

My campaign slogan: "Are you better off than you were four beers ago?"

My Party: "I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat."
(Okay, so I stole that one from Will Rogers. He can't tap-dance naked.)

And my bumper sticker: "Don't blame me, I voted for me."

In my concession speech I would have said:

To whom does Sarah Palin comparison? Everybody!

A pit-bull without the muzzle.

Tina Fey for Vice President (of the Groucho Marx Fan Club).

McCain down the drain.

Okay, John, you can swallow that ACORN now (it's a squirrel thing).

John McCain still has a vital role to play in the U.S. Senate: falling asleep during filibusters.

Is Joe Biden his time?

Delawhere?

If you can't find it on a map, it shouldn't count.

Obama's llama ate my pajamas!

No more ugly, political smears,
just one big grin from ear to ear
(neither one of which Robbie Kneivel can jump).

Eat some donuts, will you? You're making the rest of us look fat.

W stands for whatever.

George, Sr., it's time to tell the truth. W isn't really yours:
he was left on your doorstep by comedians.

And Dick Cheney's song will always be: "Nice Shot, Man."

Send this letter to ten loved ones. They won't love you anymore.

He saw this one place, sign outside said, "We Got Everything." So he said to the waitress, "You got frogs' legs," she said Yeah, he said, "Why don't you hop into the kitchen and get me some soup."

So he gets hungry a little while later, goes into a pizza place, orders a small cheese pizza. Girl behind the counter says, "Would you like that cut into six pieces or eight." He says, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eat eight."

So he eats the first five pieces, puts the sixth on his plate and starts talking to it. The girl says, "Excuse me sir, what are you doing?" He said, "I always do that, that's my conversation piece."

So he hails a taxi half an hour later, looks in the back window, says, "You got room in there for a pizza and a six-pack?" The guy turns around says, "Yeah, I got room." So he pukes all over the seat.

So he's arrested for drunk and disorderly. He comes before the judge, the judge says, "What are you in for?" He says, "I don't know." So the judge turns to the bailiff, "What's he in for?" The bailiff says, "Drinking." So he says, "I'll have a Vodka Martini." People in the courtroom start to laught, the judge says, "Order in the court!" My friend says, "I'll have a cheeseburger."

So they send him down for psychiatric evaluation. The shrink says, "What do you do for a living?" He says, "I'm a mechanic." Shrink says, "Okay, you get under the couch."

So he talks to my friend for about an hour, says, "I'm sorry Mr. Schlep, but I'm afraid you're completely insane." My friend says, "If you don't mind, doc, I'd like a second opinion. The shrink says, "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Birthday Humor

I'm so old I remember when:

Elvis was thin.

Michael Jackson was black.

Madonna was a virgin (not).

Rocky still spoke English.

Shwartzenegger didn't.

Disco sucked.

Springsteen lived in Jersey.

Rap had social relevance, instead of love songs to guns (both kinds).

People remembered Vietnam, and would have stayed the hell out of Irag.

The Beatles were still speaking.

Ed Sullivan had a really big shoo.

Marilyn Monroe was beautiful.

James Dean was alive.

Two Kennedy's and Martin Luther King filled us with hope.

Madmen with guns took it away.

People remembered World War II, and the sacrifices of our fathers.

Republicans and Democrats represented their constituencies, instead of campaign contributors.

Chicago politics were honest (okay, I made that one up).

Peace, and may our new leaders be a damn sight better than the old ones.